Stay in your lane.

Understanding your sphere of influence is one of the first steps to regaining control in your life.

As a psychotherapist, I often work with clients who struggle with feelings of helplessness and lack of control. One framework that can be helpful in understanding our sense of control is the Four Boxes of Control.

The Four Boxes of Control is a framework developed by psychologist and author Dr. William Glasser. I have adapted it a bit to add in actions and how they impact our state of being. According to this framework, there are four boxes that we can apply to any situation.

1.  There are things I can control and I take action: This box includes things that we have direct control over, such as our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We have the power to change these things and can take action to improve them. This puts us in a position of POWER.

2. There are things I can control, but I don’t take action : This box includes things that we have some influence over, but we don’t take action to shift the outcome. This is no judgement about why we don’t take action, there could be many reasons for this. Examples might include the person who gets laid off from their job and just can’t bring themselves to send out applications. This leads to hopelessness, depression, being stuck.

3.  There are things I cannot control, and I continue to take action. This box includes things that we have no control over, such as other people's actions, or the passage of time. These things are beyond our influence, and yet we continue to try to take action to change a situation that we cannot change. This creates anxiety, overwhelm, and still doesn’t change our circumstances.

4.     Giving Up Control; I recognize that I cannot control the situation and I don’t take action: This box includes things that we don’t have control over, and we choose to let go, accept, trust the process. By recognizing that we can't control everything, we can learn to let go of the things that aren't serving us.

*This box has a little tricky side to it though… in CHOOSING to let go, surrender, trust the process, we are taking action in making the choice. This lands us back in box 1 and back in a position of POWER!

Using the Four Boxes of Control

The Four Boxes of Control can be a helpful tool for improving our sense of agency and well-being. By recognizing the things that are within our control, we can take action to improve our situation and feel more empowered. At the same time, by recognizing the things that are beyond our control, we can learn to let go of worry and anxiety and focus on the things that we can change.

Here are some strategies for using the Four Boxes of Control:

1.     Identify your concerns in your current situation: Take a moment to think about the things that are causing you stress or worry.

2.     Sort them into boxes: Put each concern into one of the four boxes, based on whether you have control over it and if you are taking action or not taking action.

3.     Take action: For concerns in Box 1, identify steps you can take to improve the situation. For concerns in the Box 2, consider what actions you can take to influence the situation and identify obstacles that are standing in your way from taking those actions. For concerns in the Box 3, work on recognizing the actions that you are taking leading to overwhelm and anxiety and work on moving them into Box 4. In other words, those are the actions that are spinning your wheels and the energy you are spending can better be used in choosing acceptance and surrender.

4.     Practice self-compassion: Remember that you can't control everything, and it's okay to let go of things that aren't serving you. Practice self-compassion and focus on the things that are within your control.

To Review:

What are some situations that this might be useful for in your life?

XO,

Deborah